You wanna be something or nothing, is the matter defined by ourselves. If I’m still hiding from my past and ran away from it, I will not be able to give my best no matter just how hard I try. Because, in my hiding, I can’t be exposed, so I am not living my life to the fullest.
Just another random thoughts.
P.s. (still) trying my best to prevent myself become manic or depressed
I feel like dying somehow. No matter how hard I try not to, but this feeling, the feeling when you can’t do anything not because you can’t but because you afraid of failing. It makes me feel bad about myself. I keep telling everyone that it is okay to have a big-huge-impossible dream and they should not be afraid of it, and when their dream isn’t scary enough-well you can judge that maybe it’s not a big big enough dream, but in fact I’m the one who should say so to myself. Cause I’m different now, I’m afraid to dream or to start something new. Guess the trauma still there-deep down inside me-
You know there is a saying, after someone or something hurts you, you are not the same person anymore. Yeah, just so you know, maybe that’s true.
You know why I’m enjoying to write my thoughts on my blog? It’s because, people don’t want to listen. And when they listen, they just don’t really care. No one cares, even the closest ones don’t.
History is largely told as chronicle of great people doing great things. But for most of us, life is not made up of big moments. It is made up of small moments, and with every small choice, with every small decision, we are defining ourselves. Are we honest? Are we faithful? Are we proud of ourselves, or are we disappointed by who we’ve become? Life rarely turns out the way that we plan. The unexpected happens, and it surprises us with new and exciting possibilities. But, sooner or later reality hits you in the face. But when the unimaginable happened, I adapted. I found strength, I moved on, and I hope when my life don’t go as I plan, which is certainly won’t. I can handle myself with grace and strength. – Annie Wilson
Annie Wilson is my second favorite girl. I suppose, that was the best lines she ever said.
p.s: pardon the missed-sentence, cause I don’t remember what exactly she said.
Are you familiar with those numbers? 90210 has contributed enough and played big role in my late teen years. If it not because 90210, you may say, I would not be able to be as confident as I am today. The most interesting about it is, there is a character named Erin Silver who has a bipolar disorder, which at the moment I watched it, I really didn’t have any idea what it was and didn’t really concern about her problem on that TV series because my favorite character was and is Naomi Clark (Annalyne McCord).
After re-watch 90210 season 1 to 5 again (well, actually I still watching it, season 3 to be exact), I found that Silver struggling with this BO. As shown on screen, she has to take drugs every day. And there is a scene when she turned to be a freak and over-exited over something and be in her highest manic state cause her friend, Adriana Tate-Duncan, sabotage Silver’s pills with another pills which look the same. Then, at the end, Silver destroyed her life by calling her future university admission officer hundreds times, like nights and days, cause she (over)excited to discuss about her college-entrance project. When I throw my mind back to the previous episodes in season 1, Silver had a really big problem with her mom, she left home and stayed with her aunty cause her mom used to date guys at the same age as Silver.
In Silver case, her bipolar triggered by a very sad event which deeply hurt her. Had she knew earlier, she would have been treated better before her bipolar gets worse; Unfortunately, Kelly, her aunty-slash-school counsellor, found it a lit bit late, she found it after Silver uploaded an inappropriate video and cause her a big trouble.
Well, actually, 90210 not that really kind of TV series, it just a story from one of the characters.
P.s: in case you forgot or don’t know, 90210 is zip code for West Beverly Hills area
You gain strength, courage and confidence in which you really stop to look fear in the face – Eleanor Roosevelt
In the country I live in, mental health and mental disorder have become an unnecessary issue, and if it becomes an important issue, possibly because some public figures experience it. Mental health awareness lately becomes a serious issue I focus on. Because, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It is not a sickness, in case you don’t know, nor a threatening mental illness. It is a state when your brain chemicals – neuro-chemicals – imbalance and puts you in states called, fight-or-flight or manic and depression. The manic and depression episodes shift in unusual behavior. You can say it as – a – very – dramatic – mood swing. We, me and many other people with it, experience unusually intense emotional states that occur in a distinct periods called “mood-swing-episode.” Which, each mood episode represents a drastic-and-dramatic change from a joyful and over-excited state (manic) to an extremely sad or hopeless state (depressive) or sometimes we just experience both, called mixed state. All the episodes ruled by the neuro-chemical balance inside your brain, yeah, those chemical elements rule your day! Can you believe that? But (as I read some articles), it is normal, in some countries, bipolar disorder often appears in the late teens or early adults (and, yes, I’m in my early adult years).
The hurtful and confusing fact about bipolar disorder is, it is not easy to spot when it starts. Most of the people with BO suffer for years before they are properly diagnosed and treated. My first bipolar episode was, as I remember, maybe, at my fourth or fifth semester of undergraduate program. And, by now, I suffer for almost 4 years. Living with bipolar is not easy, because when my dopamin and serotonin low, I feel depressed. I cry a lot for nothing and feel sadness because of nothing for days and nights, and the other day, I can feel like to conquer the world, confident, and cheerful, full of energy and ideas, that’s when the noradrenaline and adrenaline level is high.
So, when did exactly BO hurt me the most? When I couldn’t tell my parents about it because I was too scared they’ll judge me as a crazy-person and imprison me in a mental hospital, which in my case it is not relevant at all. See? Paradigm set in our-society about mental disorder is still blurred and mix with mental illness, or you can say, everyone who has mental health disorder will be labeled as “crazy” in my country. It is not fair, if you read or search article about mental disorder, there are so many types of it. Let’s mention, depression, stress, over-stress, bipolar, anxiety disorder, stage fright, and etc. they are all different. They have different cause, syndrome, and treatments, and they are all not dangerous or threatening. It is the people who can’t distinguish between them and judge them wrongly as “crazy person” or worst, “psychopath.”
Am I in a manic or depressive state now? No, not at all. I follow the program set by my therapist. Being a bipolar is about follow the rule and commit to it. Because you can’t fight it, there is no way you can eliminate it from your life (well, there is a way actually by taking medications – but honestly modifying neurochemicals with drugs, is really not my best option-ever) forever, since it is related and caused by those neurochemicals and hormones. The best option I have now is to deal with it and find a way to live with it. Having connections with God always, in my depression episode, helps a lot, read Quran daily is one of the most way out of it.
Adorable
Once upon a night, there was a little girl inside a dark room locked from the outside. She screamed out of loud. She begged for help and cried. No one helped her. She was so afraid that she can’t see anything and she thought what if there’s a ghost or monster in that room. Then she stopped screaming and hid under the bed all the night. As she grew up, when bad things happened or she feared of something, she seek for a hideaway, under the bed. Because there was the only place where she felt safe. After she’s been hit or nagged. But now, there’s no place called ‘under the bed’ because she has made a deal with her fear, she won’t be what she used to be. She will face the fear, the trauma of that night. She think the trauma has gone and she’s fine now. But as I know, the trauma stays, she just get a little stronger. Because sometimes, she cries a lot when she remember that night. The night that possibly be the trigger why she is suffering now 🙂
As I obsess about my ancient problems, I feel more like I’m sinking in quicksand than lighting a torch. I’m creating neither heat nor light, just the icky, perversely pleasurable squish of self-pity between my toes. My only defense is that I’m not the only one down here in the muck – our whole culture is doting on tales of personal tragedy. -Martha Beck
I’m afraid of failing. Instead of focus to achieve my dream, I tend to focus on how scary it is to feel failed about something. Embarrassing, right?
The analogy of my life is, I do give the best of me when I pursue my dream or goal. I did it many times, when I made it into the highest place, I always slip on. Falling and shattering into pieces, tiny pieces of me that I need long enough to collect and clean them.
The feeling when I fall from the highest place, I don’t want to feel it anymore. Because it is so painful, hurtful, and make me feel so desolate. It is like the sorrow eats me slowly that I can’t feel any hope left for me. The feeling when everybody left me behind the darkest place and when you finally escape from that place, you have no confidences to even face someone. Cause you lost every single thing called faith. Horrible? Yeah, it is. A terrible life you don’t want to live in. A sinking ship.
Mine.
I always busy searching for happiness instead of noticing what really matter to feel it.
Then one day i jump to a vague conclusion that the most important thing to be happy is when you can have everything you wanted. Because of that I always try to find the easiest way. During the search, sometimes I end up in a intersection.
Lately, I found myself in a simple intersection but still confusing about the hindrances I must face all the way. Not so sure to either turn left, right or go straight to the main road.
In this state, I would say ‘let heaven decide’ but keep thinking and gambling which way has less risks and losses. Human.
indriable. 